The following was recorded live on Youtube. The internet connection clears up after the first little bit, but if you miss anything, be sure to check the transcript!
Hello and Welcome to Every Day Incredible!
I’m Keri Kitchen and I’m here to help you find your balance, find your purpose, and learn to make Every Day Incredible.
I wanted to talk to you today about mindset. I’ve been a therapist since 2006, and I’ve worked with many many individuals since that time. As I explain to my clients, the whole concept of cognitive behavioral therapy and that approach is that we work to change the stinking thinking. So, what that means is that we all form unhealthy and unhelpful thinking habits. These form from experiences and from exposure, so that can come in the form of modeled behavior by who we are around most often, like what their thinking patterns are, and it could come from being mistreated, criticized or abused. It can also come from interpretations, or the meanings that we attach to different situations we come into contact with.
For example, if we have a friend “ghost” us in school, we might internalize, or attach meaning to that situation that we’re not as interesting or likable as the other friends that person turned to. Further life experiences may reinforce that.
So without realizing, we expect or we come to expect those negative things to be true in other situations. We look for “proof” to support those beliefs, and when we look for proof, we’re likely going to find it, even though you may be overlooking the positive and just focusing on the negative and focusing on the things that support that unhealthy thinking habit that has formed in your life.
So think about it like this. If, as a child, you have a parent who operates at a very high anxiety mood all the time, it rubs off on you, kind of like putting on a heavy winter coat. And maybe the other parent could be very critical of you (and that’s also a form of anxiety too) but if they’re very critical of you, they’re quick to correct and slow to encourage, then that’s another heavy winter coat that’s put on. Another layer.
Then maybe there’s a school bully that takes every opportunity to insult you and just try to beat you down every chance they get. That’s another heavy winter coat. You never know what else you may come in contact with. Maybe it’s a sibling that’s always trying to put you down and correct you and maybe it’s some other kind of abuse or trauma. Heavy Coats. But there are layers after layers; and as you come into your adult world, as you go through life, you are so weighed down by these heavy winter coats – it’s hot and uncomfortable, but you’ve been under that weight and in that trapped heat for so long that it feels kind of normal to you and it’s hard to imagine yourself not having those layers of heavy winter coats.
Each coat represents some core belief and related thinking habit. For example, some common ones may be things like: “You’ll never get it right.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “You’re not worth it.” “You’re unlovable.” “You’re not enough.” “You’re a waste of time,” or “nobody’s going to listen to you.” Those coats become your default way of thinking and they influence how you interpret every situation you come into contact with, so when you go on to start a new business venture or you set out on any type of life goal, you feel the weight and the trapped heat of those coats.
If you make a mistake, it seems in your head to further validate those layers of heavy winter coats and then to further validate those beliefs that are so unhealthy and that are weighing you down. Once you realize they are there though, you can start to take off those layers.
Just like with any other unhealthy habit, the way you do that, first of all, is that you 1. have to acknowledge what the behavior is. In this case, we’re talking about the unhealthy thinking habits. So you have to actually identify what that thinking habit is; what is that core belief? What is that belief that is holding you captive and causing you to interpret every situation in such a negative way? What’s holding you back? 2. Step two is raising awareness of the behavior. You can do this by starting to keep track of every time you begin to feel those negative emotions because that will raise your awareness of when you’re doing it. Every time you start feeling down and discouraged and defeated, as soon as you realize, then you need to start changing the direction and that goes on to the third step. Pay attention to it when you feel that way because then that alerts you. You look for those red flags, but that kind of alerts you that you’re doing it again, and then like I said the third step would be 3. start changing those. When it comes to thinking habits, the way we change those is to start replacing those with what we believe is true, even if it doesn’t FEEL true all the time. We can choose to believe the things that we know are true in our heads and not just base it on what we feel.
I have talked to so many clients that will use that language. They’ll tell me what they believe is true, and then they’ll use the words, “but I FEEL like this is true,” or “it feels like so-and-so thinks this about me,” or “it feels like this is how I portray myself.” Whatever the case may be. But they use that language, that “feel” language. When you see that disconnect between what feels true and what you believe is true, that’s going to cause conflict every time. That’s going to be one of those things that trips you up.
So, as soon as you realize that you’re feeling those things, as soon as you realizing you’re doing it, look and see what the belief behind it is and then you replace that belief and you do it consistently. And the fourth step would be 4. repeating it consistently.
So, when you’re looking at affirmations, looking at replacing those unhelpful and unhealthy thinking habits you’re going to look for things for affirmations or positive self-talk statements that are rooted in truth and that are time-oriented that means they are in the present tense (not something that you’re someday going to do, but something right now), and then you want to look for things that are not negative, so that they don’t have the negative words they like don’t, not, can’t, and all of that. For example, “I am lovable,” instead of focusing on thoughts like “I’m not lovable” or “I’m unlovable.” Just a very simple shift saying, “I’m lovable” and focusing on those things or “I am enough,” or “I can do this.”
It could be very simple and it’s something that you consistently use to replace those negative thinking habits. So when you’re repeating that consistently, again that’s the fourth step in replacing the behavior, when you’re repeating that consistently, some things that often people find helpful are to post those affirmations where you can see them regularly. You can use your cell phone and make it pop up on your reminders. You can use post-it notes around your house or your office your car just put it where you can see it often. You can do a pretty printable. I personally use Scripture as printables and use those framed around my house or on cabinets or in frames that help me focus on what I believe to be true and that counteract some of the negative thinking habits that I’ve dealt with in the past. When you do that consistently, and you have an accountability partner or you have somebody that you can kind of touch base with just to keep yourself on the right track then you’ll start to feel those heavy winter coats coming off and you’ll start to really take a deeper breath that comes along with the emotional freedom of letting go of those things.
When you do that, then it releases those barriers so you can actually meet those goals- you can start out that business venture or whatever you set in front of you because you’re not weighed down with those heavy winter coats anymore, and that’s the beauty of it.
I hope that is helpful to you and remember there are opportunities every day so make every day incredible.
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