Where Affirmations Are Born: Finding Affirmations That Work for You (August Affirmations Series #3)

A few weeks ago, we talked about how to be happy by taking advice from a man considered to be the happiest man alive – to think positive thoughts, meditate on compassion, and focus on others instead of self. Week before last, my dear hubby shared his thoughts on using affirmations to release the juggernaut within. Last week, we talked about using affirmations to build on your grit and increase your success in life.

In fact, if you have been following this blog at all, you have already seen multiple references to the power of affirmations, or positive self-talk that is healthy and helpful. In this post I want to talk to you about finding affirmations that work for you. Affirmations will be different for every individual. It wouldn’t be very helpful if everyone had the same affirmation because not everyone has the same struggles.

When you are deciding what affirmations you would like to focus on each day, start by looking at the areas of the biggest struggle for you. We’ve talked about doing thought records and recording details about arguments or situations that cause distress for you, then looking more closely to explore what thoughts or beliefs may have influenced those situations. When you’re looking at what your underlying thoughts are, and working to challenge any unhelpful/unhealthy thoughts or beliefs by replacing them, that is where affirmations are born.

Affirmations need to be positively stated (try to avoid any “negative” words such as don’t, not, can’t, etc.), present tense, and true. Whether you find an affirmation that resonates with you from a list of affirmations, connect with a scripture passage that states a message you need to hear often and make into a habitual thought, or you come up with your affirmation by challenging an unhealthy belief, it’s important to make an effort to repeat the affirmation until it becomes more of a habit than the unhelpful self-talk was. Be creative in finding ways to keep your chosen affirmation fresh in your mind. I’ve given you lots of suggestions for this, but I’d love to hear YOUR ideas! Comment here or visit the Every Day Incredible Ladies facebook group to share your ideas (or ideas you find on pinterest of course).

In the meantime, I encourage you to find the affirmations that work best for you. Here are some examples:

 

I like myself.
I am enough.
I exist free of fear.
I can do it.
I achieve the goals I set for myself.
I am loved.
I’m a loved child of the Most High God.
I live and follow God’s perfect plan for my life each day.
Success is within my reach.
I have the right to feel how I feel.
I am proud of my progress.
I am proud of my success.
I am proud of myself.
I am secure in my identity as a child of God.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
I am likable.
I am lovable.
I am interesting.
I trust God and His plans for my life.
I have access to the resources I need.
My life has meaning and purpose.
I have a right to say no.
I have hope.
I am calm and confident.
I am responsible.

What affirmations do you need to hear most?

If you would like some more personalized support as you work to balance your life through affirmations, check out the “take the next step” tab here at everydayincredible.net. Check back next week for more thoughts on how affirmations can help you find balance! I look forward to hearing from you in the groups and want you to remember that every day is full of opportunities, so make every day incredible!

The Grit that Leads to Success (August Affirmations Series #2)

Last week, we had a guest post from my dear hubby, Aaron, about Using Affirmations to Release the Juggernaut Within. Think for a moment of the most successful people you know. Think about their attitudes and their actions. What stands out about them compared to others? What characteristics do they have that set them apart from the rest? How are you like them or different than them?

I recently listened to a TED talk by Angela Duckworth about what makes people successful. She spoke about her research and how she discovered that the common factor in successful people is what she referred to as “grit.” Dr. Duckworth describes grit as “passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out. Not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

The successful people I know definitely have grit. They are the ones who are able to stay focused. They are the ones that are resilient and keep getting up every time they get knocked down in life.

Dr. Duckworth went on to reference “Growth Mindset,” an idea presented by Carol Dweck of Stanford University. She describes growth mindset as the belief that the ability to learn is not fixed; that it can change with your effort. Dr. Dweck has shown that when kids read and learn about the brain and how it changes and grows in response to challenge, they’re much more likely to persevere when they fail because they don’t believe that failure is a permanent condition.”

What I take away from this TED talk is the power of positive affirmations. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy revolves largely around, as we’ve discussed before, “changing the stinking thinking.” As she noted, the ability to learn is not fixed; it can change with your effort. Thinking habits are not set in stone, they can be adapted to be more healthy and helpful. Practicing the mindset that you can be successful regardless of failure can dramatically shift the direction of your life.

It’s safe to say that if you indulge in thinking that you aren’t enough, that you are a failure, that you can’t be successful… you’ll be right. A growth mindset is what gives you the grit to hang on and keep pushing your way forward even through difficult times.

What about you? Are you gritty? Do you stick with your goals and plans because you believe you are capable, or do you let the fears and doubts knock you down and rob you of your grit like a city street mugging?

I agree with Dr. Duckworth that you can’t teach grit. But if someone is seeking to develop grit, it can be acquired. What unhelpful thoughts rob you of your grit? I wanted to give you some ideas of affirmations that may help you work toward a growth mindset. To gauge your own grit level, you can visit Dr. Duckworth’s site at https://angeladuckworth.com/grit-scale/. Be sure to visit the Every Day Incredible Ladies’ facebook group to share your grit score and offer encouragement to one another.

I’d like to leave you with our Bible verse for this week, and it is found in Philippians chapter 4, verse 13. “I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” This verse is a great reminder and affirmation to help you practice your growth mindset and grow your grit. If you are focused on seeking God’s will for your life, you truly can do anything He puts in front of you. I want to encourage you to keep this verse in the front of your mind however you can. Add it to a post-it and put it on your mirror, above your coffee pot, on your computer screen – anywhere you will see it often. Set it as a reminder on your phone. Write it on a card and put it in your wallet so you see it every time you open it. Practice it. Exercise your thoughts like you would exercise your body to prepare for a marathon. It is, after all, a marathon, not a sprint.

If you would like some more personalized support as you develop your gritty worldview, check out the “take the next step” tab here at everydayincredible.net. Check back next week for more affirmations to help you develop a gritty worldview. I look forward to hearing from you in the groups and want you to remember that every day is full of opportunities, so make every day incredible!

What Every Christian Needs to Know About a Fellow Believer Who Struggles with Anxiety


20160128_082117_20160128150214272 (1)Have you ever been going through a difficult time, only to have a fellow Christian give you poor advice with good intentions? It can be pretty insulting sometimes!

In one of my darkest times, when I was buried in my grief fog, I was given the advice to, “just give it to God.” At the time, I sent a friend a very frustrated, venting text, exclaiming, “It’s already His! I have nothing left to hold!” For me, at that time, it had nothing to do with trusting God with the situation – I already DID trust God with it. The fact remained that I was hurting. Deeply. I know the advice was given with good intentions, but it wasn’t helpful. At all.

We’ve also all had times when, because we didn’t understand what someone else was going through, we have said or done something unhelpful or even hurtful. It happens.

As individuals,  it can be very difficult to try to understand what someone else is facing.  Even if we have experienced something similar,  we’re not going to be able to fully understand the layers of their unique experiences. Every person’s story is different, and that how it is designed to be.

With all of that said, for Christians who struggle with anxiety, feedback from others within the Church can be defeating, to say the least.

Advice from fellow believers may be propelled by good intentions, but come across as dismissive, destructive, and discouraging.

When I asked a dear Christian friend who struggles with anxiety what she thought should be included in a post with the title, “What every Christian needs to know about Fellow Believers who Struggle with Anxiety,” her input reinforced my thoughts as I worked on my outline for this article. So, feeling validated in what I want to share with you, I’d like to share what, from my professional experience, personal experience, and experiences of loved ones,  Christians who struggle with anxiety wish fellow believers would understand.

 

1.  Anxiety is a physical response to a perceived threat.Pixlr_20160129131411269_20160130003232215

While anxiety is also a descriptive word for emotions related to fear and worry, there are physical symptoms as well. Sometimes, our bodies have difficulty determining whether or not something is a legitimate threat, so they respond as if the threats are immediate and physical, even when they are not.

If you’re familiar with the concept of “fight or flight,” you probably already understand this. When our bodies sense danger (real or perceived), there is a series of physical reactions which take place that naturally prepare us to either fight or run away.

If you look at the physical symptoms of the body’s natural “threat system,” you’ll notice that they are basically an anxiety symptoms list – you’ll find the same symptoms experienced by someone struggling with significant anxiety.

It’s also important to note that there are many physical conditions that can prompt anxiety-like symptoms.

 

 

 Threat_System

2. Anxiety isn’t always a lack of faith.

 

True, sometimes anxiety could be due to a lack of faith, but often it comes more from an ambush of fearful thoughts that may have become habit over time, through life experiences. Controlling relationships, multiple failures or losses, learned behavioral habits from parents or other loved ones, or other complicated life struggles all work together to form what are known as “core beliefs” in our subconscious. We ALL form core beliefs, whether positive or negative. Even if we don’t recognize that the beliefs are there, they tend to form the basis of our reactions when there is a new experience that serves as a trigger.

For example, if someone from your past told you repeatedly that you’re worthless, that thought can be strongly rooted in your mind. Even if you don’t believe it’s true, it becomes easier to ACT like it’s true when facing new challenges. It’s how our brains work. (On the flip side, if we continually input good messages, it’s easier to act like they are true. Think Philippians 4:8!)

There is a reason that phrases such as, “Fear not!” are repeated so many times throughout scripture.

We’re human and see things from our own, limited point of view. The temptation to worry is common and can sometimes be overwhelming. For some, it can be debilitating.

 

3. You’re not going to say something that will miraculously “fix” the anxiety, and you’re not expected to try.

You’re off the hook! If a fellow believer is telling you about feeling anxious, it’s not your job to fix the problem by sharing quips such as, “Just give it to God,” “If you just had more faith…,” Maybe you shouldn’t have ______,”* or, “Don’t you have faith that God can take care of you?”

Generally, we know we need to give our struggles to God, right? It takes a constant effort.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

Daily. Pick up the cross- the symbol of self-sacrifice in favor of the will of God… daily. As I read that, it indicates to me that it is a constant, conscious effort. It’s only natural that some days may be more difficult than others. Knowing we need to do something doesn’t always make it easy.

*While anxiety is not a divine punishment, if God is convicting, anxiety can be a very real result. That is always something to give attention. As we pray, we need to listen if God is speaking correction to our hearts.

 

4. Nobody wants to be treated like a very-real struggle is “all in my head,” but we all want to feel validated!

True, anxiety is rooted in our thinking habits (among other factors, as discussed above), but just because a struggle is rooted in our thinking doesn’t make it not real. To be told something is all in our heads gives the impression that it’s not a legitimate struggle, or it doesn’t count as an affliction of some kind.

Again, nobody wants to be treated like that. We all want to be validated- reassured that what we’re going through is understandable and we haven’t lost touch with reality.

Even if you don’t understand what someone is experiencing, you can still be sympathetic and acknowledge how she is telling you she feels.

 

5. What really IS helpful is prayer, encouragement, and support.

Pray for peace, pray for comfort, pray for wisdom and discernment to be able to make good decisions about whatever struggle is ahead.

A Christian with anxiety is experiencing a constant struggle with believing that God loves them and will take care of them, while feeling afraid about day-to-day stressors, interpersonal interactions, self-doubt, and more. While quips that seem dismissive aren’t helpful, encouraging scripture and prayers can be. If you want to help, try it!

 

So, a recap of what CAN be helpful includes:

1. Don’t dismiss anxiety. It’s a real struggle, with real symptoms.

2. Validate. Even if you don’t personally understand the symptoms of anxiety, or the impact they can have, acknowledge the symptoms someone is telling you, and believe they are significant to that person. It’s a personal experience, and only the individual knows what his experience is.

3. Don’t accuse an anxiety-sufferer of not having faith, etc. Instead, encourage with prayer and scripture. (And please, don’t refer to problems by saying anything that begins with, “Well, at least….”)

4. Keep your negativity to yourself. Someone already struggling with anxiety needs to be surrounded with positivity.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
What would YOU add to this list?

 

Most of all, be loving; and when in doubt about what may be most helpful… ask!

 


For those of you who are struggling with anxiety, please check out our new eCourse,
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For less than the average price of an outpatient therapy session,
you can have a 6-week course delivered to your inbox!

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and other freebies as they come available!

Remember, there are new opportunities every day, so make every day incredible!

What Stars and Pirates can Teach Us

20160122_143541_20160131155515202     Recently, I surprised my son by putting up glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of his room. As we discussed our observations about the stars, I would ask questions such as, “what do you notice about which stars are brighter?” I explained to him that the stars absorb the light so they can shine in the darkness. I quickly realized that the stars are an excellent analogy.

     When we are doing well, life is going along smoothly, and we have time on our hands, that is when focusing on caring for our emotional health is very, very important things to do. If we wait until times are dark, and we’re feeling overwhelmed with depression, grief, anxiety, or anger, we won’t have anything left in our emotional coping storehouse if we haven’t been working to build our supply. It is when we are doing well, that we need to be sure to address the painful or dark emotional experiences. It’s when we are doing well that it’s important to bring those dark emotions to the surface. We need to acknowledge them, name them, cope with them, and send them on their way.

     If we don’t address them, painful, unpleasant emotions have a way of simmering under the surface until the world around us gets dark, and then become terrifyingly suffocating as we sink into the darkness.

     Imagine, for a moment, being in a large body of water. In the daytime, you can see everything around you because the water is clear and everything is illuminated. When it gets dark or the water becomes murky, however, and you can’t see what may be lurking under the surface, it could be quite terrifying. It can be very tempting to make an effort to avoid  unpleasant emotions by “bottling them up,” or “stuffing them in.” Regardless of the phrase you use, the concept is the same. We basically drop those emotions under the surface, out of sight, only to haunt us later when our world once again becomes dark and we’re treading water.

     To give another analogy using my lovable four-year-old, after discussing the stars, we discussed a little stuffed Ty Monstaz creature he has had for a very long time. Patch, the Pirate Monstaz, had
been on a shelf and hadn’t been touched for quite some time. My little guy had not heard Patch’s voice for probably a year or more. What he remembered about the plushie pirate, though, was that when he was smaller, it scared him.

     Even though he was older, and knew the toy probably wouldn’t scare him like it once did, he was still acting like he was scared of it. Granted, it may have simply been an attempt to elicit a sympathetic reaction from mom, but that’s okay too. So, we had a discussion about how things may change as we get older, and it’s important to listen to it again, to see if it was maybe not as scary as he once thought it was. Eventually he agreed, and we did. 

     Once he heard it again, he decided that it wasn’t so scary after all, and has actually been fascinated by it once we googled it to try to figure out the gibberish he spoke before saying, “walk the
plank, mate!” (Hint: to create the gibberish, it seems the company flipped audio recordings backward…. fun!) 

It’s the same way with our emotions. What may seem scary to us at one time may actually not be as bad as we think once we lay it out to examine and deal with it. It’s interesting to note that avoiding anxiety-producing triggers actually serves to strengthen the anxiety rather than helping us cope with it. The more we put off doing something that scares us, the more we actually feel scared of whatever it is we are avoiding. Have you found that to be true? 

     Going back to the glow-in-the-dark stars, they are also a significant analogy of our spiritual health. We need to be soaking in the light when we can so when times are dark, we can still shine. As my son and I looked at the ceiling, it was obvious that the brightest star was the one that had been closest to the light source. It stood apart from all the other stars because it soaked up as much light as possible. Staying close to the light gave it the unique ability to shine brightly into the darkness and make a difference by bringing a smile to the face of a sweet little boy- and his momma.

Matthew 5:13-16

“Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a n hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let
your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

 

 

What do you Value, and Where are you Headed?

Where are you, and where do you want to be?

 

20160125_080304_20160131183552833Hello! My name is Keri. I’m a work-from-home wife and mom of 2 adorable little boys on earth and their well-loved sister in Heaven. I’m also a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Executive Director of The Carys Rainn Foundation, Independent Consultant for Lilla Rose, author, artist, and entrepreneur.  I have many hats to wear and many tasks to juggle, but I’m right where I want to be (all things considered), headed in the direction I want to go. Don’t get me wrong, I have my struggles like anyone else, but I’m thankful for where I’ve been. I’ve had a lot to learn and I’m excited for this new opportunity to share what I’ve learned so far in my journey with others.

As I’ve given thought to what I want to share as a first article here at Every Day Incredible, the question above is a question that stands out to me. Our overall goal here is to support good health and wellness and encourage ongoing personal development.

As with any new venture, it’s always a good idea to begin with self-evaluation. So I’d like to begin by asking you, to help you determine where you are,  what in your life is most important to you? What are your top values?

Look over the list below and select 4-6 values you believe are absolutely most important to you. How would you define them, and what makes them most important to you? I encourage you to write out your answers! In fact, it would be a great idea to keep this exercise in a personal development journal if you’d like. I’ll have to admit, when I did a similar exercise years ago, I was slightly surprised when I actually put into words what values were most important to me!

 

VALUES

Admiration
Accomplishment
Acceptance
Adventure
Activity
Artistic Expression
Attention
Beauty
Being well-liked
Being ethical
Bravery
Challenge
Calm
Children
Control
Cleanliness
Courage
Consistency
Compromise
Communication
Creativity
Contentment
Companionship
Dependence
Discipline
Diplomacy
Dreaming
Entertainment
Energy
Enthusiasm
Faith
Faithfulness
Fairness
Family
Friends
Fitness
Fact
Free Time
Giving
Having enough money
Humor
Home
Honesty
Health
Independence
Justice
Kindness
Love
Legacy
Logic
Loyalty
Memory/Memories
Openness
Peace
Popularity
Punctuality
Patience
Prosperity
Playfulness
Praise
Presentation
Predictability
Quiet
Relationship with God
Relationship with Others
Religion
Routine
Romance
Responsibility
Respect
Resiliency Reason
Spirituality
Serving Others
Sobriety
Self-Sacrifice
Social Status
Success
Self-Care
Satisfaction
Spontaneity
Tradition
Trust
Time Alone
Understanding
Vitality
Wisdom
Winning
Work Ethic
Wealth
Youth

Now, ask yourself… what values are you living? If your spouse or children were asked what is most important to you, what would they say? On what do you spend your time and money? What are you teaching your children to value?

If what you claim to be your top values isn’t matching up with what you’re living… what needs to be adjusted in your life? 

 

We want to help you grow and develop your own goals in life. Comment below by sharing your top 4-6 values (giving your definitions too would be even better). We look forward to hearing your feedback!

 

Just remember, life gives us opportunities every day, so make every day incredible!

 

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Beating Anxiety: Freedom from Fear and Negativity

Pixlr_20160131161811705

I’ll never forget that Monday morning.  June 17th, 2013.  It was the only morning I had ever experienced quite like it…

Panic.  A complete and total state of fear had somehow overtaken my body during sleep.  That morning, as I rose to consciousness, I was nauseous, sweating, breathing heavier than usual, and somehow hyper-sensitive to the fact that if my feet touched the floor only bad things would happen.

This, boys and girls, was my first go-round with anxiety.

Unfortunately, this first time experiencing the full effect of anxiety’s pleasure-less curb stomp was just that – the first time.

The daily struggle was so intense that for the following 8 months my life was completely shaken.

The beauty of that anxious week-starter was that it required me to reach a low I had never experienced.  From that low, I was able to begin crafting the life that I wanted to experience more than anything:  a closer walk with God, an abundantly loving relationship with my family, freedom from fear, freedom from debt, and enjoying the career I had been blessed with instead of approaching it with crippling fear and the paralyzing concern of making a mistake.

Thankfully, all of the resources I needed to rid my life of anxiety made their way to me in the coming months.

Since then, over 18 months later, I’ve become incredibly passionate about this topic of anxiety.  Although my experience with anxiety was a difficult and unwelcome one, in retrospect I am very thankful for it.  You see, without being forced to confront my anxiety I wouldn’t have discovered books and audio books on goals, affirmations, visualization, achievement, and a plethora (one of my favorite words) of other tools and resources that helped me lay a beat-down on fear.

Now, as I tell myself each morning, “I exist free of fear.”

And if you are reading this – I want the same thing for you.  My goal for Every Day Incredible is that anybody struggling with fear and anxiety or challenges in their life would have access to resources and encouragement that will enable them to punch fear in the mouth, make a decision to craft the life they have been dreaming of, raise both fists in the air, and scream in an obnoxiously loud fashion, “I REFUSE TO BE DENIED!!!”

In summary, 4 ways to beat anxiety are:

  1. Be positive…

I decided early on in my dealings with anxiety that nothing good would come for me as a result of being negative.  I mean, one of the fundamental things we picked up in math was that a negative X a positive = a negative, right?  I remind myself of this regularly these days when the mental weeds pop up in my mind.  If those same mental weeds are popping up in your mind, try this:  Read Jeremiah 29:11, claim positivity (yes, out loud), and begin thinking of not only the exciting things that tomorrow holds – really give yourself a chance to dwell upon and be excited about the positive things that your life holds for you right now that you may be overlooking.

2.  Believe you are, you can, and you will…

As I’ve listened to Brian Tracy say in “The Psychology of Achievement” many times, “nobody is better than you, nobody is smarter than you… you have more potential in you than you could ever tap into in 100 lifetimes.”  Make a decision right now, make it a do-or-die decision, put it on paper right now (yes, I’m serious), and leave the fear that has plagued you for far too long securely in the rear view.

     3.  Take control…

I came to a pretty simple conclusion a few months into my struggle:  “It’s my life – I’m responsible.  It’s my attitude – nobody else can change it.”  Although, initially, there were days that this affirmation didn’t have the result I was hoping for, eventually it made all the difference in my anxiety-fractured world.  When I accepted that this struggle was mine and mine alone to deal with, I got confrontational with it.  I talked to it (yes, out loud).  Sometimes in the house (not sure if anybody heard me?), sometimes in the car (yes, I’m pretty sure passers-by saw me and wondered…), but always reminding whatever fear occupied me that the party was over.  I made a decision that I was once again taking over the role of party host, and that this body and this earthly existence were given to me by my God Almighty along with a very detailed instruction manual that reminds me to “FEAR NOT” many, many times within its pages.

     4.  Have freedom… from fear, negativity, and those who inspire fear and negativity in your life. 

I’ll focus on the last part of that bullet point.  I have formulated a humble but accurate opinion that negativity is as or more contagious than any illness or disease we will ever experience as human beings.  As a part of my recovery, I engineered a Negativity Radar (c) (TM) (Patent Pending).  It’s awesome.  It’s a box-like structure that is Stanley Thermos green, remotely wired to my psyche and emotions, and it beeps within my innards when my spidey-senses ((c) 2015 Peter Parker Enterprises, LLC) start to tingle and advises that I’m within the realm of negativity’s dark presence.  Often times, this “presence” comes in the form of other people.  And often it takes the shape of them verbalizing their life’s minor inconveniences or poor decision results that manifest themselves as problems in their lives.  Sometimes it’s opinions – you know, “ahh, the little guy can’t get ahead”, “you’ll never be debt free”, “you’ll always have a car payment”, “you can’t start a business in this economy”, “insert misc. negatively-spouted garbage that’s a waste of gray matter here”, or whatever else they can pour on you like Nickelodeon slime to suffocate your life’s awesomeness.  Do yourself a favor and create some space when you notice your radar getting active.  When your radar is jamming some old-school funk, like blasting “Ladies Night” by Kool and the Gang – don’t create space.  Run away.  Far away, as in Luke Skywalker leaving Tatooine, far away.  Get out of town as it relates to those people.  “But dude, some of those people are family!”  I concur.  “Hey man, they might be offended.”  Yes, they’ll be offended and you’ll be in the break room at work doing the robot as you wait for the Keurig to finish your donut shop blend.  I’ve done it (the separation and the robot).  It’s hard (the separation more than the robot – but both have their complexities).  It feels weird at first.  You’ll get used to it. Some will take it personally. For sure.  Yes, in all cases… but choose the robot.

As you work to conquer anxiety and live life free of fear, remember that life gives us opportunities every day, so make every day incredible!

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