When we received a fatal diagnosis for our unborn baby girl, it was a definite test of faith.

When the rubber meets the road, you’re left to grapple with the real “stuff.”

That’s how it felt, anyway.

I’d always believed that God was capable. Of anything. Capable of helping us through what was ahead, giving us peace, or even… dare I say… making our daughter whole, healthy, and “normal.”

I distinctly remember standing in front of my washer and dryer, face red from days of tears, nose swollen, and feeling an odd mix of sorrow and numbness. I stood there, phone in hand, and texted a friend, saying that I couldn’t claim to have faith and not cling to it in that moment.

I HAD to believe it would be “okay,” whatever “okay” ended up looking like.

I prayed, I sobbed in the bathroom floor until I nearly threw up, I sat numbly staring at the water pouring from the bathtub faucet.

Inwardly, I wrestled with questions about healing and what God could do, as well as what He would.

The diagnosis was confirmed. I kept praying, asking for a miracle.

I realized that I honestly did believe that not only was He capable, but that I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if I’d gone to that next ultrasound, AFTER the confirmation, only to hear that they’d have “been wrong” and she was absolutely fine.

That didn’t happen though.

What did happen was that it was confirmed yet again. Not long after that appointment, I started to ask again, still fully believing that God was capable. But something changed.

I still believed He was capable. I still believed He was loving. I just heard Him, in my spirit, tell me no.
It was firm, but gentle. He’d made her exactly as He intended. She was no mistake. She’d been lovingly and intentionally formed.

I stopped asking for Him to make her whole, but I had a peace that hadn’t been there before. The pain didn’t stop, nor did the tears, but I had peace. I was able to accept what was happening and trust that He was still on the throne and still had something good planned, even as bad as that part of it felt.

Peace does that! It wasn’t dependent on the circumstances (they hadn’t changed at all), but I got an answer. It was no, but it was an answer, and it was from Him.

Whatever your circumstances in this season, God is on the throne.

Peace does not depend on what’s going on around you. You’ve probably seen the quote, and I don’t know where it originated, that basically says- Sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms His child. You can trust Him. Even if it doesn’t happen immediately, He’s not far away.

May you be filled with His peace today, regardless of your storm.

In Christ,
Keri

PS- If you’d like to read more of our story, you can find our book, Maranomi: The story of Paxton Cole and Carys Rainn   on Amazon