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     Psychologist Robert Sternberg gave us a triangular theory of love. As you may discover if you research his theory, he discussed the three sides of the triangle as being intimacy, passion, and commitment. From this description, marital love should ideally have all three aspects, but many marriages don’t.

A marriage with commitment and passion without intimacy would be like a “whirlwind romance,” where the couple has a lot of passion and makes a commitment without really knowing one another, like Romeo and Juliet. A marriage that has intimacy and passion but is lacking commitment doesn’t stand a chance of survival, even though the couple may know one another well. Passion requires work to stay alive… and that requires commitment. A marriage with only intimacy and commitment may look like best friends. They know one another well, they’re committed, but they’re not passionate.

I frequently hear of marriages being damaged because the intimacy that is ideally present in a healthy marriage is sought out in relationships outside the marriage. It is often dismissed because “nothing [physical] happened.” This line of thinking is so destructive to healthy relationships! Intimacy is more than simply a physical act.

Intimacy involves shared emotions and experiences that wouldn’t be discussed with just anyone. Intimacy involves revealing yourself beyond the public front. Sharing your fears, desires, hurts and disappointments with someone other than a spouse goes past the line that is drawn when a marital commitment is established. In a marriage, those intimate, behind-closed-doors conversations belong in communication between spouses, and without them, a marriage is unstable.

Intimacy outside a marriage relationship is a slippery slope. What may begin as “innocent” conversation may easily evolve into a violation of marital vows. Guard your hearts!

Some tips to promote intimacy in your marriage are:

• When you face struggles with your spouse, run to him/her when you feel like running away.
• Make it a habit to talk to your spouse about the best and worst parts of each day, to encourage healthy communication. If you wait until something big happens, it’s harder to start talking.
• Pray together.
• As a general rule, if you wouldn’t talk about something personal with someone of the opposite gender with your spouse beside you, it’s probably not wise to confide in them about it if your spouse isn’t present.
• If it’s disrespectful to your spouse, either stop talking or excuse yourself from the conversation.
• If you are having trouble confiding in your spouse, seek help from a professional counselor or pastor/minister.
• If the grass looks greener on the other side, invest in some lawn care!

How do you encourage intimacy in your marriage?  How do you keep passion alive?